Field work starts Monday - WHAT?!
I guess you could say I'm more than just nervous to get into the schools. Of course, I'm excited to be going out and getting a feel for what I want to do with the rest of my life but it's still scarier than a "Saw" film. I keep hearing my insecurities rambling in my brain. I should tell them to take a hike but it really wouldn't matter because I'm the biggest stress ball in the world - and not the kind of stress ball that help you to get rid of stress.
I just feel so much pressure to do both well and good.
I have to do well so I can prove to myself (not so much other people) mostly prove to myself I am capable of doing well. I've made it this far. You would think that would be proof enough but I feel as though it has been a blessing in disguise that I've made it this far. Maybe because the odds have been against me since the start of my journey.
Then there is the part of me that says, "I have to do good because I WANT to be there for my students." I want to show them that I care about them because I truly do. It's crazy that I care so much about people I've never even met. Maybe that's the hopefulness that never seems to go away in me.
When I have conversations with my friends about what types of kids I'll have in my class I always get asked about the stereotypical ":punks." You know the select few students I'm talking about; the students that keep saying over and over again in their heads, "I hate her." They always seem to ask why I want to walk into that atmosphere everyday. I always pause before I reply because I get slightly emotional when I process their thoughts and questions about my future. Although they are my friends I feel their judgment and negativity burning a hole in my core. Then I think no matter what I say I'm never going to get through to them. They will never understand why I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to do it because I want to do good by those students. I want them to know no matter how much they "hate me" I'm going to push them as much as I'm going to push myself to do well and good.
I guess I shouldn't freak out too much until I make it into the school. It's hard not to freak out because this is it. It's the end of the beginning.
Recently I've been focusing on a lot of music to calm my nerves. There has been a lot of Lupe Fiasco and Ellie Goulding in my life but one song that really puts things into perspective for me is from B.o.B. His song "Both of Us" from his most recent album features Taylor Swift and touches upon the question and thoughts we have about life from day to day. The struggles of life seems to be the theme behind the song. Monday morning this is going to be the song I play on repeat.
"But if it's all for one, and one for all, then maybe one day, we all can ball. Do it one time for the underdogs."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sa9qeV6T0o&feature=branded
